Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
