You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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