Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
