Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
