Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
