is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
