omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
