god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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