I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
