Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
