I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
