I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
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