He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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