I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
