Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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