I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
