and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize
