I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
