I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
The struggles of a small town man whore
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize
