He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
