Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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