I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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