she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
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