I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Randomize
