playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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