I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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