Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
