dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
