4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
