so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
