sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
