is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
