He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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