Your face is a jimmy john
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
