my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I just want nice things and good sex
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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