So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
