I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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