pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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