I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize