I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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