did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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