He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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