ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
