Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
