i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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