You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
My cat gives me a boner
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
