mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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