I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
