I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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