my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
