I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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