i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
