His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize
