You're so nebulous sometimes
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
