Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
