My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
