I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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