living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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