I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
