The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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